Cold Comfort
by goingGrey
Summary: Angel struggles with a past memory.


Title: Cold Comfort

Author: Rex

Pairing: none

Summary: Sleep was never Angel's forte, even before Darla.

Disclaimer: I don't own them. The world is unfair. Please don't sue me, Joss. I love you.

Author's Notes: Probably set somewhere in seasons 1 or 2, because I like Angel's basement apartment at their first office :) Also, I tried to do my homework for the historical stuff, but nobody's perfect. If you want to point something out or just comment on whether you liked or hated it, here's my obligatory yet sincere plea for feedback: I want it!

***0***0***0***

Blood, a single, solid line, running- Sweet, bright, running from a wound. Two wounds, now, that he could see. A set. The blood stood out in stark contrast against the pale flesh beneath.

Flesh-

A throat, steaming in the frigid snow, a slight blue tinge to the skin. What had happened? He gazed curiously, feeling half hunger and half a sort of detatched pity. Until he saw the face.

-Katrin Seide-fourteen-sang hymns when she thought no one could hear, if only to keep herself company-no father- flushed cheeks- 1903- cold winter that year, so cold- he hadn't meant to- didn't mean to, but it had been so cold- he only wanted to be warm- please-

Angel gasped slightly as he woke, the nightmare stirring pain and regret. He slowly lay his head back down, shuddering. Another afternoon of this, it seemed. Truly, no rest for the wicked.

Angel looked at the clock. Only three in the afternoon. But he couldn't get back to sleep, so he sighed and got up, shrugging on a shirt and not caring to button it. He padded into the living room of his basement apartment and for a moment, his mind fogged with memory... the girl, Katrin.... Where had that happened? He had been tracking his former family across europe, trying to find Darla. Katrin had been travelling with her mother from Dresden, was it? But he'd run into her at... where... ?

He put his head in his hands, trying to think, sitting bent over on his couch and staring past the bookcase into the recesses of his memory.

Starving. Cold. Recently cursed.

Resita, Romania.

He remembered now, and cringed inwardly.

***0***0***0***

She had come from Germany, saw him collapsed by the church. The thought almost made him smile. He had considered ending his life in that city. In that church, specifically. No man of God would allow a creature like him into a place of worship. The crosses would have weakened him, and he'd let the priest do the rest. Superstitions about vampires were abundant in that land, especially in those days, and it would have been easy.

Except that he hadn't the strength. He knew he was damned, and didn't want to face an eternity that might be worse than what he was now, if that was possible.

So he sat outside that church in the town square, starving and cold, and entirely torn between letting the sun take him or enduring immortality as a demon cursed with a soul.

Every once in a while, a coin would drop at his feet from one of the passers-by.

He didn't need to buy food, didn't even need to buy new clothing seeing as how he couldn't really freeze to death. It only felt like it.

But he pocketed the money anyways.

And then a cart approached, rattling on the cobbled streets. His sharp hearing caught an accent, German, probably. He picked through them by sense of smell: the damp and slightly musty scent of a horse, a young human girl, early teens maybe, her mother, and a man whom he could tell from the foreign aroma was not part of their family. He glanced up as the cart stopped a ways down the street and the man got off, thanking the women in fluent German, then taking a small pack with him and disappearing into a nearby tavern. The mother drove the cart onwards and Angel scooted back a bit from the road. The streets were narrow, and anyways he hadn't wanted to be seen then. He hadn't fed in days, and felt as though he could hardly pass for human.

They stopped again a few yards closer, speaking hungarian with the inn keepers on the street running perpendicular to the one he was sitting on, and then they resumed their advancement towards him and the church.

As the cart drew nearer, he could hear the wood of one of the wheels begin to collapse. He stood up, prepared to warn them, when the sudden resounding crack echoed through the street. The wheel had buckled and splintered. The girl and her mother had been cast to the ground when the cart had suddenly unbalanced. Innkeepers and tavern owners ran to assist them and unlatched the horse, which reared in alarm. To this day, Angel could not remember what drew him to the scene. Maybe the scent of the precious few drops of blood from the gash on her shoulder. Maybe he was just lonely. Whatever the reason, he trudged to them and helped to lift the girl's mother to her feet. "Are you alright?" he asked, and immediately wished he hadn't. His voice was rough and barely audible from not having been used in so long. She looked at him, a little shocked, then answered, "Yes, I'm alright." He tugged the girl to her feet, his eyes taking in the blood that now stained her clothing. "Sir?" she asked, pulling at his sleeve. He realized he'd been staring and shook himself out of it to look down at her, then back to her mother. "I can help you with the cart. If you have a spare wheel, I may be able to fix it." The mother smiled with relief and the girl actually hugged him. "Thank you," She said. He smiled weakly. The girl turned back to her mother, who put a hand on her shoulder. The mother smiled genuinely at Angel. "I am Anna Seide and this is Katrin. To whom do we owe our thanks?" Angel cleared his throat and looked down at the cobblestones, worn from years of carriages, hooves, and travellers. 'Angelus,' he thought, but caught himself. No, he couldn't possibly go by that name anymore. Not ever again. "Angel. My name is Angel."

***0***0***0***

Angel got up and wandered back to the bedroom, unwilling to recall the details that followed in that memory. He laid down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. Quarter to four. Not much use in going back to bed, but what else was he to do? Reluctantly he buried himself beneath the covers once more and sighed with exhaustion. He knew what he was going to face if he allowed his eyes to shut. He knew that the story would haunt him until he relived it for what must have been the thousandth time. He yawned and turned over, staring vacantly into the dark of the room. If it wasn't today, it would come back to him some other time anyways. Resigned, he gave up and allowed himself to sleep, no matter how troubled he knew it would be.

***0***0***0***

The cart was fixed, the wheel expertly replaced, though when he looked down, a few wooden splinters had buried themselves in his hands. The flesh around the wood already looked raw and inflamed. He rubbed his palms nervously on his biceps. Anna smiled at him and he smiled back. She stepped towards him. "You have done us a favor. I feel it's only fair to return it. Is there any way we might be able to assist you?" He shrugged. "Nothing comes to mind, but thank you for the offer." Anna shook her head. "Come now, Angel. There must be something. Food? Shelter? Money? Maybe you're trying to travel somewhere?" Her last offer struck a chord. He'd caught a trail east, following bodies left behind. He needed to get to Darla, maybe ressurect the last dregs of Angelus and find a way to be accepted back among his kind. His kind.... he shuddered, but looked up at her. "A ride... it doesn't have to be far. Could you- only as far as Petrosani. Please." Anna nodded. "Of course, but you do realize we'll have to go through the Carpathians. It's the only route. Might be dangerous." Angel bit his lip. "Are you sure you want to take me? I can manage, but if it might endanger you or your daughter, I am hesitant to take the risk..." Anna laughed. "We've taken the road many times. We can handle ourselves. When is it you would like to leave?"

Angel looked back at the church and swallowed. "Now. As soon as you can be ready."

Katrin tugged on his hand. "Come, sir. We are always ready."

***0***0***0***

Snow was thick on the winding path. Angel huddled beneath a wool blanket in the back of the cart. Katrin was sitting across from him, but up by her mother. Both were dressed warmly, flakes of snow landing yet eventually melting on their cheeks and coats. Every few minutes Angel had to brush the snow off himself to keep it from collecting. No pulse, no body temperature. He didn't want to frighten them. More than once he'd fallen asleep in an alley only to be shaken awake in the morning by a policemen or some other authority told he was a dead body. Cold weather tended to make him sluggish, and being covered with snow compounded his half-starved corpse-like appearance. He was startled from his reverie by the soft sound of humming. Katrin was absently looking over the side of the cart, fingers twining with a rogue thread on her coat, humming the doxology. He could feel his demon retreat from the sacred tune, barely an itch in the back of his mind, and he smiled to himself. She was a picture of innocence. It was beautiful.

***0***0***0***

In Los Angeles, Angel rolled over in his sleep, lines of worry creasing his brow.

***0***0***0***

They had been travelling for days. Angel, in his talks with Katrin, learned of her life before they had left Germany. Her mother and father had owned a small stable outside Dresden, selling horses. A fire had started during the night some five years back, burning the house and stables to the ground, claiming the life of her father and most of their horses. Anna had taken the money they had saved and sold the rest of the horses, using their one remaining cart to sell whatever goods they could and live on the road. It was a dangerous life for a single mother and her her daughter, but it seemed they managed it well.

As time went on, the storm was getting worse. The road narrowed and became treacherous.

The horse was knee deep in snow. Anna refused to push the beast further. "Katrin, love, come and help me with the horse. We must turn back. The snow is too deep, it's much too dangerous to continue." Dutifully, Katrin left the back of the cart. Angel had been dozing, but woke immediately as the source of heat left his vicinity. He roused himself. "Anna, let me help." He could tell she was worried, but she shrugged off his offer. "No, please, you've done plenty for us already. I'm only sorry that we cannot repay your kindness the way we intended." Angel got out of the cart anyways and helped to unreign the horse, Katrin leading him a few paces off so that her mother and Angel could turn the cart back. The horse wasn't cooperating, however. It reared, tossing the reins out of Katrin's hands and bounded through the snow off of the path and into the woods. "No!" She cried, "Reisender!" Anna turned and before she could stop her, her daughter scrambled through the snow after her horse. "Katrin! Katrin, come back!" Anna and Angel tried to grapple the cart hitch without dropping it, for fear it would break, but by the time they'd set it down, Katrin had already gone. Anna made as if to follow, but Angel caught her at the last minute. "No! Katrin! Let me go!" Anna was struggling but Angel held fast. "Anna, stop! I'll go after her. I can track her- look. There are prints in the snow. I'll find them and bring them back, but you must stay here. Get those blankets in the back and keep warm. Alright?" She finally stopped struggling. Angel let her go, but rested a hand on her shoulder, looking in her eyes for confirmation. "Alright?" he asked again. "Alright." She said. Angel turned. The wind was strong, blowing snow from the higher peaks of the mountains and the tops of the trees and mingling it with fresh flakes. Already the trail was partly obscured. He didn't care. The scents would be fresh for a good hour or so more. With a final look behind him, he ventured into the woods.

***0***0***0***

The trail had long since gone cold- In more ways than one. Angel was struggling in near waist-deep snow banks between the pines, wading through it as though he were fording a stream. The wind was so loud he could barely hear himself think. When he looked behind him, his own path was almost gone with the new flurries. Cursing, he turned around in the small clearing. Which way? He couldn't afford to turn back. The thought of Katrin out here alone, searching desperately for her horse was agony to him. It had been so long, so long since anyone had even ventured to speak to him, let alone show him kindness of any sort. 'And why would they?' he asked himself. 'I'm a monster...'

Suddenly, a scream rang out through the woods. It was the girl, and Angel could hear Anna's responding cry of, "Katrin!" It must have been far off for Angel to have barely heard it. Katrin may have found her horse and headed back to the cart. He immediately turned back for the road, wading again through the drifts. However, he got maybe halfway there before he saw a figure, blurry with the falling snow, heading in his direction. It was Anna. She took longer to spot him in return, but when she did, she tried to reach him, fording the snow as quickly as possible. He yelled over the howling wind, "Have you found her?" She shook her head, and yelled back, "I'm coming with you!" The determination in her face was undeniable; Angel could tell there was no persuading her otherwise. Once she reached him, he put an arm about her shoulders and pulled her by a pine tree for slight respite from the wind. Angel could tell she was worried sick. "I lost the trail," he admitted. "I heard her a moment ago, east of here. We should move." Anna nodded. Angel sighed. "I can't convince you to go back, can I?" The look in her eyes was all the answer he needed.

***0***0***0***

They had been making their way through the storm for hours with no sign of the girl. Anna was fighting exhaustion and tears, unwilling to give up despite the odds. He was right there with her. All Angel could think was that this was his fault. His alone. 'God, if only I hadn't allowed them to take me... How could I be so selfish? How?' Suddenly, he stopped dead in his tracks, turning his face to the wind. "What is it?" Anna asked. He thought.... for a moment... perhaps he was wr- No, it was there. He could smell Katrin, somewhere close by. He was certain of it. Anna tugged on his shoulder. "What? What is it?" He turned to her. "This way," he said, and changed direction deeper into the woods.

***0***0***0***

Angel kept his head up, charging into the snow with all the strength he could muster. He had the scent of her now, and was following it dead on. Anna was struggling to keep up, but made her way along behind him, even more eager to find her little girl. He was moving against the wind, which was slow work, but the sound of it was also enough to drown out a far more dangerous noise from behind them. When Anna screamed and Angel turned around, it was almost too late.

A pack of wolves had crept up behind them, the alpha male snarling in hunger. Prey must have been scarce due to the storm for them to consider Angel and Anna a potential meal. But whatever the cause, Angel put his arm on Anna's shoulder, keeping his voice loud enough to be heard over the storm, but soft enough not to further agitate the pack. "Slowly, get behind me." He gently moved in front of her. When he was certain she couldn't see his face, he coaxed his demon to the surface, allowing his eyes to glow an amber challenge to the alpha. Normally, an animal would back down from such a challenge, but when the only food source available gets assertive, it wouldn't have made a difference if it were Angel or a siberian tiger- Food was food. The pack crept closer. He'd been afraid of this. Angel was usually a talented fighter, but his recent starvation and the extreme cold were two huge factors to his disadvantage. When the first wolf leapt, he batted it off. But he wasn't quick enough to fend off the other two that followed instantly in its wake. They latched onto his shoulder and forearm, growling and writhing their lean bodies in order to pull him to the ground. Anna had screamed and backed away, but a wolf was closing in on her. Angel fought back the pain and pulled one hand free to grab the tail of the would-be attacker. It immediately turned on him, lunging for the throat. Angel couldn't help it- his demon broke free. He felt his teeth elongate as bony ridges shaded his yellow eyes. Turning his back to Anna once more, he ripped his arm free of one of the wolves and pulled the other from his shoulder. He stood up, leaving one wolf dangling from his neck while the other two ran off. Another wolf, who had lagged behind until now, leapt up to take a chunk out of his right thigh as he attempted to toss off the Alpha latched on his throat. His cries were drowned out by the wind, but Anna's rang out clear over the trees. Angel gripped the jaws of the Alpha male and pried them open before running to her side. The wolf who had bitten his thigh was moving in on her, teeth bared. Angel knelt to put a restraining arm around it's neck when he saw Anna, eyes wide, staring at him in complete horror. "Anna, trust me-" he started, but was cut off by the sound of his voice, raw and wet. His vocal chords must have been damaged when his throat had been bitten. She backed against the tree. The wolf must have sensed Angel's uncertainty, and darted from his grasp to sink his teeth into Anna's side. Their screams together drowned out the wind.

The snow was red, almost glowing around her. Angel had broken the wolf's jaw in his haste to save Anna. It lay dead a few feet away, it's neck twisted unnaturally.

He placed a hand to her wound after shoving the demon back under his skin. She was fading. The siren call of her blood was overshadowed by her kindness to him. Instead of the hunger, the bloodlust, he felt sick. He couldn't recall a time that had ever happened before, not even when he killed his own family.

"Anna..."

"I'm dying, Angel," she murmured.

He shook his head, but couldn't say a word.

She found the strength to lift her hand, and with her fingertips she traced his brow. "You... You're n-nosferatu. I saw it."

He didn't move.

She looked down at his hand over her wound, and covered it with her own. When she met his eyes again, they were confused. "Wh-why?"

He looked at her, startled.

"Why help me?" She asked.

Angel found he couldn't answer her, except to say, "Because I can."

Her breath was labored now; the small visible puffs of vapor in the cold were shorter, thinner.

He drew her hair away from her face, and with her last strength, she whispered, "Find Katrin."

"I will."

With that promise, her eyes went dim. He shut them and laid her back beneath the tree.

As he stood up, he realized he'd lost Katrin's scent again. The smell of blood, human, canine, and vampire all, was so thick he could practically taste it. His stomach throbbed with pain along with the rest of his wounds, and he took a moment to double over and regain his control of the demon.

When he was able to stand straight again, albeit weakly, he heard a movement behind the trees. 'God, not again.'

But instead of a wolf, a familiar horse lumbered into sight a few yards off.

For the first time in ages, Angel felt the stirrings of hope.

***0***0***0***

Angel brushed snow from the horse's back, then mounted him, steering Reisender through the trees with a firm hold on his mane. When they came upon a small path cut through the snow, Angel dismounted. Katrin had been here only moments ago. He swallowed back blood from his torn throat and attempted to yell her name, but the pain was too much. Instead, he followed the path made by his quarry and lead the horse along with him.

He found her huddled beneath a tree, pale and still as death. He knelt by her, sensing a pulse. Gently, he shook the girl. She opened drowsy eyes. "Angel?" He nodded, not trusting himself to speak. His throat had begun to heal, but without any blood it would take quite a while to close completely. Katrin gasped. "My God, what happened to you?" Angel took a deep breath. "Your mother and I were attacked. It was a pack of wolves." Katrin moaned, trying to sit up. Angel helped her to move into a more comfortable position, dreading to answer the question he knew she would ask. "Where is she?" Angel looked away. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. Katrin felt hot tears stain her cheeks and sobs choked her. "Where is she?" she asked again. "Your mother... she asked me to find you. She's.... she's dead." Angel swallowed back blood and tears. "Katrin, I'm sorry. I never should have brought you here." Katrin screamed, beating him as hard as she could, distraught. Angel couldn't bring himself to block her blows, instead, he held her to him until she broke down into sobs. She pressed into his chest, and Angel realized that her temperature was far lower than it should have been. "We have to get you somewhere warm." He started to stand, but Katrin refused to let go. "Katrin..." He was about to disentangle himself from her when a sudden pain shot through his midsection. He gasped, stiffening in her arms, his vision flickering as the sound of her pulse escalated in his ears. "Angel?" Her voice sounded distant. 'Oh God, no...' He put a hand to his stomach, feeling the cramp seize him up, and he bit back his groan. "Angel?" He realized Katrin was shaking him. "Are you okay? Please don't leave me out here alone," she begged. He nodded, closing his eyes, swallowing hard against the pain. "I'm okay." He opened his eyes again, and saw Katrin staring at him, cheeks flushed with grief. "We have to get you somewhere warm," he said again, and the girl nodded. He got up and took her hand, leading her to the horse, then setting her carefully on its back. Angel could tell roughly what direction the cart was in, and began walking.

The sun had set long before they found the cart. Angel brushed snow off the blankets in the back and turned the cart on its side with the wheels against the wind, making a sort of shelter. They were forced to stay until the storm passed over, and they would need the protection from the cold. Angel wrapped Katrin up in as many blankets as he could. "What about you?" she'd asked. He said the cold didn't bother him much. After tying Reisender's reins to the nearest tree, he threw the last two blankets over the horse and went back to the cart. Katrin was asleep. He listened carefully to the girl's pulse, noticed it was slightly stronger than he'd heard it under the tree where he found her, and relaxed.

***0***0***0***

Cold seeped into his body. When Angel woke up, he was literally paralyzed. A thin layer of ice had covered most of his exposed flesh during the night, and the chill of it seeped into his body, weakening him. He shook himself, peeled the ice from his hands and face, and looked over at Katrin, still sleeping. She was going to freeze if they couldn't get out of here soon. He got up and decided to check the horse. He was a foot away from the beast when his stomach cramped again. He staggered, leaning against a nearby tree for support. Reisender watched him with a cautious gaze. Animals could often tell what he was just by scent alone, and it was obvious the horse was uncomfortable in such proximity to a starving vampire. Angel fought for control, dizzy with the sudden rush of hunger. The horse's pulse echoed in his head, and his stomach clenched with pain. He focused on the beast's throat. What could it hurt? Just one mouthful. He shook his head. It wouldn't end at a mouthful, and the horse was Katrin's only way of getting back. Katrin. Angel shuddered. Better the horse than the girl... He opened his eyes. 'No. It isn't so bad yet. I can control it.' He grabbed the horse's reins and looked back at the cart. They'd need to leave it. Even with the mended axel, it would slow them down too much for it to be of use. Angel led Reisender to the cart, tied the reins and knelt by the girl.

"Katrin, wake up."

He held her by the shoulders, feeling her shivering even through the blankets. Time was running out.

"We have to get out of here," he said, and picked her up. He set her on the horse and took the reins, leading them back the way they had come.

***0***0***0***

Reisender carried Katrin for eight hours before collapsing in the snow, dead.

The girl did not speak, even though Angel could tell she had been injured in the fall. He deliberated over this, knowing he could smell the wounds and feeling his stomach twisting with hunger, a hunger which would only get worse the longer he waited. But Katrin was now unable to walk, shivering so violently that he was sure they'd never make it back in time to save her. Her lips and fingers had turned blue, but beyond this he found she could not move so much as a finger, all of her muscles contracting in an effort to stay warm. He had no choice. He needed to try, at least try, for God's sake, the girl's mother had begged him, and he couldn't walk away from this, this, _horror_ which he had brought to this girl- what could he do?- _God, help me-_

***0***0***0***

Los Angeles.

He fell out of bed, hit hard, stumbling upon waking, tied in sweaty bedclothes and scrambling on the wooden floor, breathing so hard he thought his chest would burst, but the breath didn't help.

No.

No sleep, not ever- NEVER- this was not going to happen, not again, not so vividly, not ever- He couldn't bear it, sat on the floor in the corner of his bedroom, his fucking warm, safe, far too comfortable bedroom, and dug the heels of his hands into his clenched-shut eyes.

_I deserve this. I deserve to remember._

He cringed, slowly pulling his hands down to wrap his arms around his knees. He rested his head against the wall and let the tears come.

_I deserve this._

He got up slowly, disentangled himself, and threw the sheets back on his bed. For a long moment, he stood there, tensing and relaxing, tightening his fists before shaking them out.

He scrubbed his face and got back into bed, guilt eating at him as he lay there, afraid to close his eyes.

_For Katrin. For Anna. _

He pulled the covers over his head and tried to relax. An hour passed. Two hours. Never long enough, but slowly, sleep reclaimed him.

***0***0***0***

Katrin's breathing was shallow.

Angel sat with his back against the horse's corpse, watching the girl struggle for life with wide eyes.

_Will not take her life, I will NOT take her life-_

She was covered in all of the blankets, even Angel's coat, but he did not trust himself to be near her. He knew there was no saving her, now, and any minute her breathing would slow and stop, her pulse would stop, and the girl would die.

Still, it would not be him that killed her.

His stomach twisted again and Angel coughed blood onto the snow, sinking onto his side. He watched her throat as she rasped for breath, then shut his eyes tightly.

_I can not take her life- I will not take her life-_

Somehow, he found himself again watching her throat, heard the stuttering of her pulse, and he shivered, transfixed.

When the next cramp hit, he dragged himself onto all fours and crawled closer, eyes wide. The vein in her neck stood out, a blue tremor, straining with the last life in her.

The pain coaxed him on.

_STOP-_

He cried out with rage against his body, curling in on himself beside her, shaking with the effort of self-control.

***0***0***0***

It is still snowing, but only just.

Katrin's body is pale, nearly covered, in a heap beside him, flakes caught on the lashes of her vacant eyes.

There is a set of marks on her neck, but he does not notice this first.

When he wakes, he notices that he is no longer hungry, and a sob chokes him.

When he sees the marks, he turns, hand to his mouth, but it does not keep him from vomiting- A red stain in a white sea.

***0***0***0***

Los Angeles.

Angel wakes, shudders, only just makes it to the bathroom before throwing up into the porcelain.

He looks, sees the red-against-white, and heaves again.


End file.
